Christmas is a religious holiday, although now days I’m pretty sure between Coke, Hallmark and Toys R Us they own at least 90% of it, however that last ten percent of Christmas is owned by the churches. Yes Christmas is a traditional religious holiday, a holiday to celebrate the birth of Joseph, God and the virgin Mary’s kid Jesus … Wait hold on, two dads and a virgin mum? Oh now I get why we eat turkey on Christmas day, gay dads, turkey baster the virgin mother … No? I am wrong again?
Any way, I lost track of where I was going, so Christmas is a 10% religious holiday, there for, just because it is a religious holiday, if gay people celebrate it, it is ruined. Don’t ask me how I came to that conclusion, I am just channeling the mind set of the over zealous religious nut job.
So just because we are going to ruin Christmas any way by default, why not do it in style my fellow homos, with this helpful ‘The Troy Murphy Show how to ruin Christmas in four easy step guide to the season’.
Step One: Caroling … That beautiful art form of walking around from house to house, or street to street singing the songs of Christmas. Whilst doing said carolling my fellow homos, take this opportunity to turn on your grindr app and turn Caroling into Cruising.
Step Two: Mistletoe … Cute guy at 10 O’Clock, swarm in, produce some mistletoe above your heads and go in for the kiss, they can’t say no, that would be breaking a time old tradition. A perfect way to take advantage of that hot straight co-worker you have been wanting to pash since the last drunken Christmas party.
Step Three: Eggnogg … I don’t know who really drinks this stuff, however supposedly it is all the rage at Christmas time. So the sure fire way of ruining Christmas for everyone is to spike the eggnog , not with alcohol, but with some of our own devil homo DNA … mmm milky!
and finally Step Four: Santa … Hands up all those homos out there who love their daddies, and white bears! Well Santa is just the man for you, nothing says ‘I’m gay and I am here to ruin Christmas’ like lining up with all the kids to get your photo with Santa (Is it just me or has any one else noticed that Santa and Satan have the same letters just mixed up?) and just before that flash goes off you stick one hand down his pants and your tongue down his throat. Imaging the back peddling all those parents are going to have to do after that one … especially if he gives back!
That my friends is how we as homos can willingly destroy Christmas this year … after all, we get the finger pointed at us for everything else, why not this year finally own it.